Good evening, or afternoon, or whatever the hell time of day it is when you read this. My name’s Flip DaBird and I’m Chris’s alter ego, here to spice shit up a bit. Where Chris is always trying to be the nice guy, I’m kind of his asshole side you could say. So I’m gonna be running these here interviews. You’re used to reading all the usual author Q&A. What’s your favorite book? Why did you start writing? Do you have any interesting writer quirks? Where do you do most of your writing? I don’t give a fuck about any of that shit. I have some questions of my own. Wanna hear ’em? Here they go.
My first guest on the Flip DaBird Wild Author Interview couch is the husband/wife team of J.F. Silver. The blurb is mostly about him and hell be the one answering today’s questions, so here’s a little bit about J.F. Silver, straight from the Amazon page:
We never know which road life will take us down. J.F. always wanted to write but a lifetime of work and family happened, passing all too quickly while his dream got pushed aside. Who knew, all these years later, that his passion would return in the form of hot group-sex stories? He’s so grateful to be able to share them and loves dreaming up new fantasies for his characters to experience.
Today, he lives in beautiful Colorado with the love of his life, his soul mate, and the inspiration for all his work. Besides sex and writing about it, his passions include baseball, music, playing the drums, his two daughters, and especially, spoiling his grandchildren. He never gave up on his dream of being a writer. He just took the scenic route.
Now for my questions. Let’s do this shit. Game motherfuckin’ on!
FLIP: OK, let’s start this out with a couple of normal questions, to ease you in to the ol’ Flipper’s style. How many books have you written?
JF: I write a series called, Mr. and Mrs. Average Joe, with four books released, a fifth almost ready and at least one more planned after that.
FLIP: In which genres do you write?
JF: Mr. and Mrs. Average Joe is a semi-biographical series that I began writing for my wife, just to turn her on. She loved the first story and has been feeding me fantasies ever since, nearly ten years. What began as a “swinger” story has turned into much, much more. We like to call it, “couples erotica.” Basically, it’s an open relationship/multiple partner fantasy that includes: three-ways, group sex, bisexuality, interracial, multi-cultural, exhibitionism/voyeurism, some BDSM and spanking, oodles of oral delights and a chest full of toys. When it comes to sex, these characters like to push the limits and never say never. Did I mention these characters are also over age 50? In our series, experience matters.
FLIP: Fuck yeah! Swingers over 50? I’m in. I’m all about spanking and oodles of oral delights! So let me ask you, how dark will you go with your writing? Like what would you never write?
JF: To this point, our stories are generally upbeat and positive. Our characters enjoy living life to the fullest and the sex fantasies have a “bucket list” feel. But, they also deal with real life and sometimes, that includes death. They’re older and hey, that shit happens. Things I won’t write? The usual: necrophilia, bestiality, underage, etc. I plan to do a sci-fi story someday and it will be altogether different. More mysterious than dark, I can’t see myself going too far that way. There will be aliens, though.
FLIP: So like, when you say sci-fi, will we see alien tentacle porn? Never mind. Forget that I asked that. Maybe oodles of alien oral sex. Star Trek, the Over 50 Generation! Hell yeah! Enough of my nonsense. Next question. What’s the best thing someone has written in a review of your book?
JF: I’ve had some fantastic reviews and I love those that mention their age. Like this: “There just aren’t very many books out there that have couples my age so this was a great read for me.” I get a lot of comments like those and it warms our hearts that older women are reading it. But, I have to admit, my favorite feedback comes via personal messages. I’ve had readers tell me how scenes from my books have, uh, found their way into their lives. “My husband and I tried candles after reading your book. It was so HOT!” Or, this one: “I read your book to my husband and he wants to get a pole for our bedroom.” Nice.
FLIP: That is nice. I need to get a pole for my bedroom now that you mention it. So what’s the worst thing someone has written in a review?
JF: I picked up two one-star stinkers early. Short enough to share: “I found these books really boring, the writing between the erotic bits was very mundane.” (Did you like the erotic bits?)
And, my favorite: “Garbage. No literary talent at all. It was a total waste of time. And a waste of money and the paper it was printed on.” (Question for reviewer: since it’s only an e-book, how the fuck did you get a paper copy?)
FLIP: Ahahaha. I like you. Yes, good question. How the fuck did you get a paper copy of an ebook, ya douche!
FLIP: Ok, enough playing nice. So far this has been like any other interview. You ready to get your hands dirty, J.F.?
JF: Let’s do it.
FLIP: How would you feel if you went to someone’s house and you saw your book holding up their couch?
JF: Well, I would have to be grateful that they bought my book. I’d probably ask if they liked it and would definitely ask if it’s holding the couch up okay.
FLIP: If you had no arms and were extremely horny, what would you use to masturbate?
JF: Well, looking around as I write this, between the couch cushions might work. Why do I suddenly envision a CC Genovese paraplegic masturbation story? I mean, a guy’s got to masturbate so you know they’ll find a way. Oh, so many possibilities. Food items come to mind. Sloppy but doable.
FLIP: Ha! That does sound like one of C.C.’s ridiculous ideas! You hear that, Chris? That could be your next Masturbation Companion. Speaking of masturbation, J.F., would you rather watch porn or read erotica?
JF: I know the old cliché that men prefer visual (porn) and women prefer literary (erotica) but my wife and I actually enjoy both. Porn is quicker but if there’s time, we love reading to each other. She’ll read a story that’s female POV and I’ll read the male versions. We started watching porn in the 80’s and used to read Penthouse Forum before there was so much erotica available. Damn, we’ve been at this a long time.
FLIP: Peanut butter and jelly? Or tuna?
JF: PBJ all the way.
FLIP: Would you rather watch porn on an old VHS tape that kept fixing the tracking at all the good parts? Or read erotica straight from a relative’s diary?
JF: Well, it would depend on the relative! How did you know we still have poorly tracked old porn on VHS? That shit still happens.
FLIP: How would you feel if you were at a roller skating rink and the DJ suddenly put on an audio recording of one of your books? And people skated harder, like it was their motherfucking jam?
JF: A while back, I did an interview and was asked who I could imagine doing the audio version of my books. The answer: Samuel L. Jackson. Yup, that’s right. So, in that universe, it would definitely be their motherfucking jam! I can hear it now: “My name is Joe, motherfucker!”
FLIP: Ha! I love it. That would be wild, Samuel Jackson reading erotica. A fuckin’ shark ate me! Why can I only hear Dave Chappelle doing the Samuel Jackson voice now? Ok, next question. I’m getting off track. Would you rather be on a nude beach on a cold day with a shriveled dick? Or on a gay beach on a hot day with ass-less swim trunks? Female authors, please answer this as if you were a guy. Which would you choose?
JF: Well, a shriveled dick is never good and think of the impression people would have. You’d always be the guy with the shriveled dick to someone. I guess I would rather put up with sunburned cheeks from a day at a gay beach.
FLIP: You’re with a really sexy woman. Would you rather find out you’re seriously allergic to latex, after you’ve started fucking with a condom? Or be lactose intolerant and find out her edible panties were made of cheese…right after you went down and she’s about to return the favor?
JF: Cheese panties, huh? I’m a Wisconsin native so I’d be surprised if someone hadn’t thought of that. They will now. Anyway, I’d still eat the cheese before exposing my cock to a latex allergy and hope for the best!
FLIP: Would you rather get a Halloween bag full of cassette tapes by Color Me Badd? Or a bag full of little poop-scented hand sanitizer bottles?
JF: I’ll take my chances with the cassettes. No poop-scented anything for me.
FLIP: OK, let’s speed this up. All you have to do is answer which one of these you like more:
FLIP: Gummy bears or sweet tarts?
JF: Um, we just recently moved to Colorado. We have stores here that sell very special gummy bears. I’ve tried them and they are indeed the best gummy bears I’ve ever had. I’ll have to see if they have sweet tarts next time. For now, I’m voting gummy.
FLIP: Big tits or a nice ass?
JF: I’m a sucker for boobs, pun intended. Hmm, love a nice ass, too. Boobs win, though.
FLIP: Oral sex performed on you with a little teeth involved? Or oral sex and a finger in your butt?
JF: I have to choose? If she knows how to work the prostate, the finger wins. Delightful.
FLIP: Ok, now answer which of these you hate more:
FLIP: Rats or cockroaches?
FLIP: Clowns or porcelain dolls?
JF: Porcelain dolls are fragile. Clowns are sometimes creepy but generally hilarious!
FLIP: Blue balls or a soft dick at the wrong time?
JF: Blue balls. Soft dick is much less painful.
FLIP: Running out of toilet paper? Or sharting?
JF: Sharting sucks.
FLIP: Sneezing when you’re about to cum, then instantly going soft? Or coughing when you’re about to slide in, then accidentally bumping her rump?
JF: Sneezing and going soft would be terrible. Bumping a rump isn’t that bad, is it?
FLIP: Not that bad? It can fucking hurt, J.F.! Ok, next question, if you could punch one person in the face, who would it be?
JF: Trying to stay out of the political fray but, Donald Trump. (Top answer?)
FLIP: If you could thump one person on the forehead with your cock, who would it be?
JF: One of the Fox News bimbos.
FLIP: Oh, man! I can just see you walking onto the set when they’re doing the outnumbered segment and swinging your cock around in a helicopter circle! Oh boy! So, if you could thump one person on their clit with your cock, who would it be?
JF: Retired porn star, Asia Carrera, for whom I’ve had a long time fascination, crush, obsession…
FLIP: Ohhhh good one. I remember her! Of all the characters you’ve created, which one is most likely to masturbate while driving down the highway listening to St. Elmos Fire?
JF: That would be Elaine, Mrs. Average Joe. She has exhibitionist tendencies.
FLIP: Excellent. She sounds lovely! What would your character (please name him/her) say if a random guy/girl (a sexy one) walked up behind them and slid their hand up the crack of their ass?
JF: Our Asian seductress, Mika, would say, “A little lower, please. You’re almost there.”
FLIP: Ok, I change my mind. Mika sounds lovelier. Now, if you could fuck a character from someone else’s book (even famous authors), who would it be?
JF: Mrs. Baumgartner from Selena Kitt’s, “Babysitting the Baumgartners.” Yummy.
FLIP: Yes! Great answer. You heard Kay Brandt was making a porn of Selena’s Baumgartner book, right? OK, Flip, concentrate. J.F., if you could spend the day in a famous person’s body, meaning having sex as them, masturbating as them, eating fish tacos as them…who would it be? And why? Somebody other than Trump. Hahahaha!
JF: It would have to be a beautiful, bisexual female porn star. Who? Uh, pick one, a sexy one. Why? Being bi, she’d get the best of both worlds. And, she loves fish tacos.
FLIP: If you woke up tomorrow as a member of the opposite sex, what’s the first thing you would do?
JF: Boobs. I have boobs! They’d probably be sore right away.
FLIP: Ha, I can imagine you just flicking them over and over again, playing with your food! Thank you so much J.F. for coming out to play. And thanks to everyone for reading the interview. No interview would be complete without some stalker links. So please stalk J.F. Silver at the following links:
J.F. Silver / Mr. and Mrs. Average Joe links