Hey, boys and girls, it’s your crazy ass uncle, Flip DaBird, here with another wild author interview. We had some fun with J.F. Silver last week and this time we’re talking to a female author, S.I. Hayes. Here’s a little bit of info about her before we get started.
“S.I. Hayes has been telling tales of erotic intrigue for as long as she can remember, long before she was writing them down she was lying in bed with friends telling tall tales and getting them all worked up. Now she works up the lives of horny housewives and loves every moment of it! Dive into her works and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes! See you at the bottom!”
FLIP: Ohhh boy, I like rabbit holes. Especially the kind that go deep. So, S.I.,, talking about going deep into rabbit holes, how many books have you written?
SI: I’ve just completed my ninth solo novel, but I’ve got 10 novels total. Plus, an inclusion in an anthology.
FLIP: Ten novels. Damn, that’s a lot of books. I know you mentioned horny housewives above, and I’m sorry but my mind kinda wanders whenever horny housewives are included in the subject matter, but in which genres do you write? Is it just erotica?
SI: Paranormal Drama, Paranormal Romance, LBGTQ, Contemporary Romance, Erotica, I’m something of a Jack-of -all -trade-paperbacks.
FLIP: I like that! A Jack-of-all-trade-paperbacks! So if we’re talking all trades, does that mean there’s nothing you won’t write? How dark are you willing to go with your writing?
SI: I think the only thing I won’t write is straight comedy, I can’t be funny on purpose. Everything else if it comes to me? It’s on.
FLIP: Funny is hard to do on purpose. So I don’t blame you there. What’s the best thing someone has written in a review of your book?
SI: Simply that they understood the characters. I’ve written characters that aren’t completely likeable at first, but are redeemed, for the reader to see that, meant so much to me.
FLIP: And the worst thing?
That my language seemed forced? It was like excuse me, I talk like that, you cow! I didn’t say it, just thought it…
FLIP: I’m imagining you at the computer, forcing it, just punching keys with a fury, pissed off that you don’t want to use those words but you…just…have…to…force…it! So if that pissed you off, how would you feel if you went to someone’s house and you saw your book holding up their couch?
SI: Well, at least they bought it?
FLIP: Very true. And they bought the paperback or hardcover! At least they didn’t return it, right? OK, those questions were all pretty easy and normal. Let’s freak this thing up a notch. You ready? If you had no arms and were extremely horny, what would you use to masturbate?
SI: Seeing as I’m a woman, and have a fertile imagination, I don’t really need my hands now do I? *Snickers*
FLIP: Fair enough. Would you rather watch porn or read erotica?
SI: Oohh, tossup… I love to read, but I’m also very visually stimulated… I refuse to choose. Two totally different medias, not a fair question, one has sound too….
FLIP: Peanut butter and jelly? Or tuna?
SI: Depends, what are you gonna do with it? *Wicked grin*
FLIP: Ha! Great fucking answer! I can do some wild shit with some peanut butter. Tuna might get a bit…fishy. Would you rather watch porn on an old VHS tape that kept fixing the tracking at all the good parts? Or read erotica straight from a relative’s diary?
SI: Eww, not the diary! I could probably fix the VHS!
FLIP: How would you feel if you were at a roller skating rink and the DJ suddenly put on an audio recording of one of your books? And people skated harder, like it was their motherfucking jam?
SI: AWESOME!! IF they can skate to all that FUCKING, SUCKING and MOANING! Good on them!
FLIP: You’re making me horny, S.I. You can’t talk about fucking, sucking, and moaning like that. Hold on, just…need…to adjust. There we go. OK, imagine you’re a dude for this one. Would you rather be on a nude beach on a cold day with a shriveled dick? Or on a gay beach on a hot day with ass-less swim trunks?
SI: Seeing as in this scene I’m a guy and assuming I’m supposed to be a hetero one, I’m going with cold, All the men in my family are well over Six feet tall, and in my experience that makes Showers, not growers, so NO SHAME IN MY GAME BABY! LET IT SWING COLD OR NOT!!
FLIP: Showers and growers. Yeah, which one am I? I guess I’m more of a grower. Let’s move on. You’re with a really sexy man. Would you rather find out you’re seriously allergic to latex, after you’ve started fucking with a condom? Or be lactose intolerant and find out his edible underwear were made of cheese…right after you went down and they’re about to return the favor?
SI: Oh! Tough one, The Lactose intolerance, I can apologize for intense flatulence, but the hives, and blisters and possible death of a latex allergy are no joke.
FLIP: Oh come on, who doesn’t like a little death in their sexual routine? Would you rather get a Halloween bag full of cassette tapes by Color Me Badd? Or a bag full of little poop-scented hand sanitizer bottles?
SI: Color me Badd was my Jam Back in the day!! I’ll take it! All 4 Lovve…
FLIP: Now, please answer which of these you like more:
FLIP: Gummy bears or sweet tarts?
SI: Gummy bears…. I like to squish their heads.
FLIP: Are any of your answers non sexual? Squishing heads. I like a little teeth now and then, but squishing heads? You’re a Neanderthal! Is there a female version of that word? Neanderthala? Ok, muscular chest or a nice ass?
SI: Oh so hard… But Who can pass up a nice big rack??
FLIP: Oral sex performed on you with a little teeth involved? Or oral sex and a finger in your butt?
SI: I can’t choose. I like both.
FLIP: Now, which of these you hate more:
FLIP: Rats or cockroaches?
SI: Agh, roaches, I’ve had rats as pets!
FLIP: Clowns or porcelain dolls?
SI: Both equally creepy! Clowns are worse though!
FLIP: Your period or he has a soft dick at the wrong time?
SI: Period, I can always get that cock hard!
FLIP: Ok, just gonna adjust here again for a second. Running out of toilet paper? Or sharting?
SI: Oh, hell, both are horrible… and lead to the same problem!!
FLIP: Having your man sneeze when he’s about to cum, then instantly going soft? Or having him cough when he’s about to slide in, then accidentally bumping your rump?
SI: I would say the first must suck more, but again I can fix that… My mouth is super talented.
FLIP: If you could punch one person in the face, who would it be?
SI: One of my brothers, then I’d knee him in the balls too!
FLIP: If you slap one man in the face with your tits, who would it be?
SI: Umm, yeah… nope… Got nothing…
FLIP: Oh come on! Someone out there deserves a good ol’ fashioned S.I. Hayes tittie slap! Not even Justin Bieber? Kanye? How about this one? If you could have one man slap you on the clit with his dick, who would it be?
SI: *Smiles* Pleading the fifth here.
FLIP: Go ahead and say it! Flip DaBird, right? Ahahahaha. Of course not. Of all the characters you’ve created, which one is most likely to masturbate while driving down the highway listening to St. Elmo’s Fire?
SI: Siegfried Rembrandt
FLIP: What would your character (please name him/her) say if a random guy/girl (a sexy one) walked up behind them and slid their hand up the crack of their ass?
SI: Gage Louvell (the pup from Branded Wings) “You plan on leaving a deposit babe? Withdrawals are up front.” Then he’d turn so they had rock hard cock in their hand.
FLIP: That’s the coolest answer ever. I’d probably say something stupid like, “Ahhh what the fuck? That’s the crack of my ass! Oh…how you doin’ baby? Speaking of other people’s cracks, if you could fuck a character from someone else’s book (even famous authors), who would it be?
SI: Probably Lestat De’ Lioncourt before he became a whiny bitch.
FLIP: If you could spend the day in a famous person’s body, meaning having sex as them, masturbating as them, eating fish tacos as them…who would it be? And why?
SI: Probably an actor of some kind, who I don’t really know, that’s hard to determine. The Rock would be cool, I bet he could spin a chick like a plate. I would def like to be male, at least for a day or two, to have all those wonderful little perks of getting away with being my domineering self and not getting shit for it.
FLIP: If you woke up tomorrow as a member of the opposite sex, what’s the first thing you would do?
SI: Piss then masturbate, then look for the SO, so I could fuck, if no SO, I’d find one pretty quick.
FLIP: Great fucking answer. Sounds like you’ve got that whole morning figured out. You’re a hoot, S.I., and I have to thank you so much for your willingness to answer these wacky ass questions.
If you want to stalk S.I. Hayes, you can do that at the following links. And please do that. She loves to get stalked.
Newsletter and website http://www.sihayes.com
The 131 Preview Review http://131previewreview.blogspot.com
A Writer’s Mind More or Less http://shannonihayes.blogspot.com